Circumstances
by May a Chance
Summary: Every year, Dr. Reid writes a letter to the people he is closest to. None of his friends have ever read any of the letters, and Dr. Reid hopes that they never have to. But, in case of his death, these letters are the most important pieces he has ever written.
_After he joined the BAU, after he saw all of the death, Dr. Reid began to write the letters. Once a year, he'd give the letter to his lawyer and say, "In the case of my death, give this letter to_ _," and then he'd give a name. "Replace any previous letters to them with this one."_

* * *

Hotch,

Given the circumstances I figure that this letter will not be something that you particularly welcome, but it is an unfortunate necessity. I've been thinking about what to say to you in this letter for about a week now. Writing letters like these are probably among my least favourite things to do, but in this case I feel it necessary. You are my Unit Chief and thus I trust you explicitly, and you need to know what I have to say to you here. If not for your peace of mind, then for my own.

Of course, in death it does not particularly matter as to whether or not I'm at peace but I really do hope that you can rest easy.

Here I will take the liberty of presuming that this letter was not accidentally sent to you because of some mistake, and that the circumstances are as I intended them to be; Hotch, if you are reading this letter than I am dead.

I don't know how I died, or where, or when, but I know that if you're reading this then I did. If I didn't, feel free to shout at me whilst I attempt to console JJ, whom will likely be extremely distraught at receiving what I can only describe as a suicide note. Forgive my wording, but that is the only way I can explain this. I'm not suicidal, of course. If I die before I get a chance to replace this letter with a similar, updated one, then I'll probably have fallen at the hand of some Unsub. Please destroy said Unsub utterly for me. In the unlikely case that I did not fall at the hands of an Unsub, then I most likely contracted some fast working, extremely dangerous ailment that killed me.

This letter was written so that I can tell you a few things; you're like a father to me, Hotch. Growing up I never really knew what it was like to have a parent and coming to the BAU gave me something that I've never had before and for that I am grateful. You have always been there to comfort me when I'm upset and I couldn't ask for a better Unit Chief.

Thank you for being there for me. I know that, even in death, you'll continue to protect me to the best of your ability. And please, whatever happened to me don't blame yourself for it. I believe that even the greatest of people can be rendered powerless by circumstances.

Tell Jack that his Uncle Spencer wishes he could have taught him more magic tricks and that I could have helped him with his homework more.

Love from,  
Spencer Reid

* * *

My good friend JJ,

If you're reading this letter, then I have come to pass.

Your letter is always the hardest for me to write, likely because it is you with whom I have been through the most and you who I am the closest to. I hate that this letter is necessary but if I come to pass and I have yet to write this letter then I don't think that I would ever be able to forgive myself. You deserve more than a casket in the ground.

This letter is written for the both of us, I suppose, both so that I can have peace of mind that I've told you everything and so that you can know how I feel, or perhaps felt, in my final weeks.

Most of all, you should know that I am happy with my place in life and that nothing is ever going to change that. This job, this life, has brought me pain but I would not change a single moment for anything in the world. No matter how I went out, be it by Unsub or illness, you can't blame yourself. Please don't cry yourself to sleep and please don't wallow in misery. I don't want you to be upset that I'm gone; I want you to celebrate my life and miss me just as if I gone to Las Vegas on vacation. I can't bear the thought of seeing you in pain so please heed my words.

Life is too short for you to spend the entire time mourning. I can't allow you to spend the entire time mourning.

There is something that I'd like you to know, and in the event that I don't tell you tis in person this letter will have to be enough. When I was young, I used to imagine what it would be like to have a normal family with a mom and a dad and maybe a couple of siblings. Coming to the BAU was like gaining the family I'd always wanted. You're like the older sister that I always wanted and always thought that I could never have. You've been there to protect me when I don't even need protecting. You're the one who comforted me after Emily 'died' (and even if I was mad at you for faking it I never stopped loving you), the one who stayed by my side the whole time after Georgia and Tobias, the one that I could always trust with anything.

In the event of my death, a trust fund has been set up to help pay for Henry's college expenses. The greatest gift I can give him is education, so that one day he can be just as wonderful and amazing as his parents. Tell him that Uncle Spence says hi, and that he can have that book of magic tricks that I show him sometimes. Tell him that he always has a million hugs from me, and that I miss him like a fish would miss water.

I love you both,  
Spence

* * *

Morgan,

Every year I write seven letters and every year I wonder again how I make it through all of them. I'm writing this one on the jet and I'm trying not to cry because I just finished JJ's and now I'm wondering how Henry will grow up, and if I'll ever get to see him. You're giving me a funny look, the one that says that you want to come over here and bug me until I tell you what's wrong but I can't possibly do that. This letter is written so that, in the scenario of my death, you have something of me to hold onto. I know that you don't think that you can deal with another death and I know that you're wrong in that sense. You are one of the strongest people I have ever met and you're too strong to wallow in miseries and false hopes like I know that you intend to.

Now I'm actually crying. You're definitely going to come over here. I'm mostly just hoping that my tears won't stain the page. That's the thing with you- you're so over protective! I'm a fully fledged FBI agent, Morgan. I don't need a personal protector.

Nonetheless thank you, I'm not sure what I'd do without a protector.

The following is a quick blurb on my state of mind, and a few things that I want you to know. No matter how I died, no matter where I died and no matter when I died, I am happy. I love my job and I love the people I work with and there is something just so write about being in the BAU. It's actually gotten to the point where I'm not sure what I'd do without any of those things, but especially the people. If any one of you died, I would be left a broken shell and that's exactly what I don't want to happen to you guys.

Miss me like I've caught the flu and can't be at a case. Miss me like you miss your mother when you can't visit as much as you'd like. Miss me like you miss the warmth of summer when winter take's its grip.

When I first came to the BAU, you scared the heck out of me. Then I got to know you and I can't imagine what it would be like in a world without you. In these years, you've gone from a team mate to my best friend, my older brother. You protect me the way you protect your sisters or your cousin Cindy. You're my best friend.

Now you're sitting down next to me, and you're about to give me a hug.

Love from,  
Spencer Reid

* * *

The illustrious Penelope Garcia,

I know that you hate change and I know that you hate it when one of us leaves and I know all that but I still have to do this, just in case.

Should this letter come to your hands, then I have come to pass and for that I am sorry. I know that you're probably crying in your office as you read this, surrounded by all of those wonderful trinkets that you so adore and I know that this letter is probably just breaking your heart as much as my death itself did. For that I apologize, but this is necessary.

There are so many things you deserve to know and so many things that I've never told you. For example, the name Penelope has a few different meanings; the first is thread and the second is eye. I find this strangely fitting, the same way Gideon was so fitting of the name meaning 'mighty warrior'.

You, my lovely Garcia, are the thread that holds us all together and the eye that watches for danger lurking in the shadows. There is no other way that I can describe you, and no other way that you should be described. I wish that I didn't feel the need to write this letter, for you, but unfortunately I do so I should probably tell you more of what you should know. In all the years that I have been with the BAU, I have grown to love you like family. We argue over little things whenever we're in the same space and it's silly but it's one of the things that I love. Remember when Hotch wouldn't let me on the plane because of my knee, so I stayed behind with you and we couldn't stop arguing and racing to give Hotch the facts first?

That's one of my fondest memories with you, because even though we were fighting we were being a family and that's what is truly important.

I've spent a long time coming to find my place in life and now I have discovered it at the BAU. There is not a place in the world, not a research facility nor isolated island, where I would feel my comfortable than with the BAU. These people, you, have carved me a place that I could not even dream of so thank you.

I want you to know that I'm happy and I couldn't possibly be happier.

You're Henry's godmother, so you should have a message from me to carry to him; tell the little guy that I love him more than anything in the world and that if I could, I would spend my entire life protecting him.

With lots of love,  
Spencer Reid

* * *

Gideon,

I haven't spoken to you or written to you in a very long time, but I trust that this letter will fall into your hands one way or another. Long story short, I'm dead and this is my way of saying goodbye.

After Hankel and Georgia, we weren't as close as we were before. I was a nerd who had been through hell, and you were the reason that I had died (the first time). I found myself not wanting to be around you as much and that you were drifting away. I'm sorry that I allowed this to happen, especially after Elle.

Then you left the BAU and I found that I had lost the person whom I was closest to. You're the one who organized my first date, and you're the one that brought me to the FBI. Without you, I'm not sure that I would have found the same purpose in life that I did.

Thank you, and I'm sorry.  
 _Dr._ Spencer Reid, _Phd_

* * *

To my team, the most important people in my life;

A long time ago, I remember my mother reading to me a poem, shortly after my third birthday. I remember thinking that the poem was sad yet happy at the same time, and hoping that I would never have to miss anyone in my life. Of course, I was young and didn't fully understand death but I understood enough. This is the poem that brought me through my father leaving, so here I give it to you.

 _Death is nothing at all._  
 _It does not count._  
 _I have only slipped away into the next room._  
 _Nothing has happened._

 _Everything remains exactly as it was._  
 _I am I, and you are you,_  
 _and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged._  
 _Whatever we were to each other, that we are still._

 _Call me by the old familiar name._  
 _Speak of me in the easy way which you always used._  
 _Put no difference into your tone._  
 _Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow._

 _Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together._  
 _Play, smile, think of me, pray for me._  
 _Let my name be ever the household word that it always was._  
 _Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it._

 _Life means all that it ever meant._  
 _It is the same as it ever was._  
 _There is absolute and unbroken continuity._  
 _What is this death but a negligible accident?_

 _Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?_  
 _I am but waiting for you, for an interval,_  
 _somewhere very near,_  
 _just round the corner._

 _All is well._  
 _Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost._  
 _One brief moment and all will be as it was before._  
 _How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!_

This poem was written by Henry Scott Holland, a professor at Oxford quite a long time ago and it's a poem that I think is meaningful given the situation. I am as prepared to die as you are unprepared to let me go, so think about this poem.

I do not fear death, for in death there is no pain or suffering and rather there is nothing at all. Scientifically speaking, of course.

However, in the unlikely case that there is something after death then I should await the day when I will see you all again. Find courage in my death, go forth and catch more Unsubs and, most of all, remember me for who I was and not how I died.

You all are my family and without you I don't know what I would do. Thank you for being there for me.

With every drop of love I possess,  
SSA Dr. Spencer Reid, Phd


End file.
